To love with abandon. That is to say, to abandon oneself to love the other. so that all that remains, is the other, with the YOU becoming an amorphous thought, flowing in and out. to love with a clawing hunger, which makes the stomach turn into itself and the heart plummet into the depths of longing. the fumes of passion rising to the head and making it light headed. the desire to be owned clawing the mundaneness of existence and propriety. to be utterly and shamelessly dependent and needy. and to be held for that. is to love as it meant to be.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
How do i know i live?
it has been a while since words crystallised my thoughts....it is not like i have not been thinking...no, anything but. my head is abuzz with the zipping around of my thoughts, banging into one another. not crashing and destroying each other, but providing each other with that impetus, that push, which propels them into greater speed and higher frequency.
it is not like life is empty and therefore thoughts abound. each day rushes by, the sound of it zipping by almost throwing me off balance. yet, sometimes, life just swirls around me in its hurry, while i seem to be rooted at one spot. a hunger, a deep gnawing kind of hunger is consuming me these days. a desperation is eating into my innards, making me feel almost faint with the vacuum that it creates. a hunger for passion, for an all consuming ownership, to be occupied in thought and in feeling. nothing consumes me lately. nothing has. and i dont seem to be consuming anyone. A life where something does not consume me, or i do not consume someone, is a life that is like a placid body of water. no ripple. no movement. no sign of life. there is a madness that is my own, that i own, that needs to own me. life needs to make me breathless. it needs to make my heart skip a beat, it needs to roughly pull me into its arms and own me. rough me up. hold me close. disrupt my breathing. quicken my heartbeat.
make me feel alive.
it is not like life is empty and therefore thoughts abound. each day rushes by, the sound of it zipping by almost throwing me off balance. yet, sometimes, life just swirls around me in its hurry, while i seem to be rooted at one spot. a hunger, a deep gnawing kind of hunger is consuming me these days. a desperation is eating into my innards, making me feel almost faint with the vacuum that it creates. a hunger for passion, for an all consuming ownership, to be occupied in thought and in feeling. nothing consumes me lately. nothing has. and i dont seem to be consuming anyone. A life where something does not consume me, or i do not consume someone, is a life that is like a placid body of water. no ripple. no movement. no sign of life. there is a madness that is my own, that i own, that needs to own me. life needs to make me breathless. it needs to make my heart skip a beat, it needs to roughly pull me into its arms and own me. rough me up. hold me close. disrupt my breathing. quicken my heartbeat.
make me feel alive.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
badalte hain
आज फिर कुछ जागे हैं हम
फिर मन में एक धधक उठी है
एक चाह जगी है
कि कुछ निशान छोड़े हम
जहाँ बैठें, वहाँ एक हलकि सी खुशबु छोड़ जाएँ
जहाँ उठ खड़े हों, वहाँ ज़मीन पर एक छाप छोड़ जाएँ
जहाँ चलें, वहाँ अपने क़दमों से नए रस्ते बनाते जाएं
बहुत महसूस कर लिया सूरज कि तपन को पीठ पे
अब मन है ठन्डी हवा के थपेड़ों को मूह पे महसूस करना है
दीवार पकड़ पकड़ के चलना, बस अब और नहीं
थोड़ा गिरना,थोड़ा लड़खड़ाना, पर अपने दम पे चलना है
अपनी पहचान को न खोना चाहती हूँ
न अपनी कोई कोई नई पहचान बनानी है मुझे
अपने इस वर्त्तमान पहचान को और मज़बूत बनाना चाहती हूँ मैं
इसी पहचान को मान देना चाहती हूँ मैं
सिर्फ जीना तो बहुत कर लिया मैंने
वोह कला तो मुझे आती है खूब
पर अब इस जीवन की छवि को थोड़ा बदलना है
थोड़े भरने है इसमें उत्तेजन के रंग
थोड़ी डालनी है इसमें क्रांति की धुप
फिर मन में एक धधक उठी है
एक चाह जगी है
कि कुछ निशान छोड़े हम
जहाँ बैठें, वहाँ एक हलकि सी खुशबु छोड़ जाएँ
जहाँ उठ खड़े हों, वहाँ ज़मीन पर एक छाप छोड़ जाएँ
जहाँ चलें, वहाँ अपने क़दमों से नए रस्ते बनाते जाएं
बहुत महसूस कर लिया सूरज कि तपन को पीठ पे
अब मन है ठन्डी हवा के थपेड़ों को मूह पे महसूस करना है
दीवार पकड़ पकड़ के चलना, बस अब और नहीं
थोड़ा गिरना,थोड़ा लड़खड़ाना, पर अपने दम पे चलना है
अपनी पहचान को न खोना चाहती हूँ
न अपनी कोई कोई नई पहचान बनानी है मुझे
अपने इस वर्त्तमान पहचान को और मज़बूत बनाना चाहती हूँ मैं
इसी पहचान को मान देना चाहती हूँ मैं
सिर्फ जीना तो बहुत कर लिया मैंने
वोह कला तो मुझे आती है खूब
पर अब इस जीवन की छवि को थोड़ा बदलना है
थोड़े भरने है इसमें उत्तेजन के रंग
थोड़ी डालनी है इसमें क्रांति की धुप
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
you shall not change me
Is that me?
unsure and timid?
cowering in the dark
at that slight sound
a shadow
Is that me?
Relieved that i do not travel alone?
In the city that i have grown up in?
Being told to be back home at eight?
feeling relieved when i get into my car
And shut out the world?
Is that me?
rolling up my window at night
haven't felt that wind on my face in so long
haven't tasted freedom
since you decided when i should step out
and when i should not
i was unbound
till you told me where my limits lay
i was wild and spirited
till you told me i needed to be punished
Is that me?
as defined by you...
but i promise, you shall not change me
i promise that i shall reclaim my being
my body
my world
my space
my city
my 'ME'
there shall be one day
when i shall roam as i used to
when i shall be as i used to be
when the world will again be my oyster
when my life will be the blessing i used to see it to be
and when a girl being born in this world
shall not curse her fate
for being born so
you shall not change me...
unsure and timid?
cowering in the dark
at that slight sound
a shadow
Is that me?
Relieved that i do not travel alone?
In the city that i have grown up in?
Being told to be back home at eight?
feeling relieved when i get into my car
And shut out the world?
Is that me?
rolling up my window at night
haven't felt that wind on my face in so long
haven't tasted freedom
since you decided when i should step out
and when i should not
i was unbound
till you told me where my limits lay
i was wild and spirited
till you told me i needed to be punished
Is that me?
as defined by you...
but i promise, you shall not change me
i promise that i shall reclaim my being
my body
my world
my space
my city
my 'ME'
there shall be one day
when i shall roam as i used to
when i shall be as i used to be
when the world will again be my oyster
when my life will be the blessing i used to see it to be
and when a girl being born in this world
shall not curse her fate
for being born so
you shall not change me...
happy? new? year..yes!
So...i waited for one week...then the second week started...and it has ended...i waited for all this while to be able to decide whether i can truly wish my near and dear ones a happy new year...i waited to see if this year was going to start atleast any differently, considering the angry way in which last year had ended...After two weeks, things are just the same. Women are still unsafe. Apathy is still the most widely experienced mental state. The fervour dies out, like every fervour does. status quo is the most permanent state of being, people continue to be obnoxious and insensitive and people like me continue to refuse to settle down.
it is now, after two weeks, that i have finally realised what is that i truly want to wish everyone. I do not want to wish anyone a passive HAVE a happy new year. i think it is time we wish each other to MAKE a new year..happiness shall follow...
Let's make this a year when we dream of things not dreamt of, when we refuse to be passive recipients of things good and bad, instead become actors in what happens, when we struggle and fight and light fires that show new paths and test new strengths. Let's make this a year when we stop waiting for movements to happen that we can become a part of and become movements in ourselves. Let's make this a year when we stop clicking our tongues sitting before TVs and laptops, but take our words and connect more of us together and make MOVEMENT happen. Change might be a while in happening, but i am in no hurry. i have my whole lifetime. i dont want to be at the receiving end of the change. i want to be a part of the change. i want to make it happen.
Hence, on this 16th day of January, 2013, i am pledging to start a movement - iAWAKENING...i am be willing to be called a charlatan, a trouble maker. i am also admitting that i do not know what the movement will do. all i do know is that i am first reaching out to you. reach back to me. wherever u may be and then, let us become pall bearers of a time we wish to end and harbingers of a time we wish to begin. whatever we think we want to do, we have to pledge our lifetimes to it, so that atleast i can look myself in the mirror tomorrow as a mother worthy of her word, as a sister worthy of rubbing shoulders with other sisters and a woman who did truly believed she and others such as her deserved better and was willing to snatch it away from those who came in the way.
By this movement, by first endeavour shall be to connect all of us. Then I want to us to think of ways both online and offline by which we shall insist that we are heard...be it through organising groups that go and speak with schools about sex education and about social education that teaches boys and girls to respect each other, or organising a flash mob like the 1billionrising on the 14th of February, as being done in many parts of the world, or be it other more creative means. I know it for a fact that when all of us get together, ideas shall abound, energies and shall push and milestones concurred.
are you with me? would you wish yourself to MAKE A NEW YEAR?
it is now, after two weeks, that i have finally realised what is that i truly want to wish everyone. I do not want to wish anyone a passive HAVE a happy new year. i think it is time we wish each other to MAKE a new year..happiness shall follow...
Let's make this a year when we dream of things not dreamt of, when we refuse to be passive recipients of things good and bad, instead become actors in what happens, when we struggle and fight and light fires that show new paths and test new strengths. Let's make this a year when we stop waiting for movements to happen that we can become a part of and become movements in ourselves. Let's make this a year when we stop clicking our tongues sitting before TVs and laptops, but take our words and connect more of us together and make MOVEMENT happen. Change might be a while in happening, but i am in no hurry. i have my whole lifetime. i dont want to be at the receiving end of the change. i want to be a part of the change. i want to make it happen.
Hence, on this 16th day of January, 2013, i am pledging to start a movement - iAWAKENING...i am be willing to be called a charlatan, a trouble maker. i am also admitting that i do not know what the movement will do. all i do know is that i am first reaching out to you. reach back to me. wherever u may be and then, let us become pall bearers of a time we wish to end and harbingers of a time we wish to begin. whatever we think we want to do, we have to pledge our lifetimes to it, so that atleast i can look myself in the mirror tomorrow as a mother worthy of her word, as a sister worthy of rubbing shoulders with other sisters and a woman who did truly believed she and others such as her deserved better and was willing to snatch it away from those who came in the way.
By this movement, by first endeavour shall be to connect all of us. Then I want to us to think of ways both online and offline by which we shall insist that we are heard...be it through organising groups that go and speak with schools about sex education and about social education that teaches boys and girls to respect each other, or organising a flash mob like the 1billionrising on the 14th of February, as being done in many parts of the world, or be it other more creative means. I know it for a fact that when all of us get together, ideas shall abound, energies and shall push and milestones concurred.
are you with me? would you wish yourself to MAKE A NEW YEAR?
Friday, January 20, 2012
In Search...
‘Though the journey seems hard
And the road unknown
My eyes see not the rubble
My mind heeds not the hurdle
For in my mind’s eyeI see the distant shores
Of tomorrow
I see the risings
Of the castle built with the sand
That slips through my hands
I must walk on
Before the sands run out
Of my tightened grasp
I have not anything
But the dream I see each day
And fear losing if I stay still anymore
I must be the road
That winds its way to hope
I must be the road’
And the road unknown
My eyes see not the rubble
My mind heeds not the hurdle
For in my mind’s eyeI see the distant shores
Of tomorrow
I see the risings
Of the castle built with the sand
That slips through my hands
I must walk on
Before the sands run out
Of my tightened grasp
I have not anything
But the dream I see each day
And fear losing if I stay still anymore
I must be the road
That winds its way to hope
I must be the road’
silenced oneness
A blank white screen faces me...there is so much noise inside me, yet nothing seems to come out...there was a time when you spoke and words would come unthinking out of my head, into your being...now there is no talk, only noise...nothing that makes me find the thread to string together the incoherence and make it into a melody you once thought was beautiful...my voice is so rusty from having not been heard, that sometimes when i speak, i cant even recognise it as being mine...havent heard it so long, dont even know if i still speak the language of others...dont know if i miss speaking more or miss being heard more...silences speak while speech is silenced...but is that me that is silenced or is it because you are silent? atleast here, we seem to merge into one another...
Dear MMM
Dear Much Maligned Married,
since the only status that seems to have changed for me is 'single' i shall restrict my comments to just that word...and i find myself wondering which state is tougher and could do with more encouraging 'slaps on the back'...
Packing ones bags and relocating to a new place, you does even as a 'not-single' woman & this time, not necessarily of a place unilaterally decided, and therefore not necessarily of your own choice...independence of managing your own life has been pushed and pulled into managing your own life and your owns' lives ;-) you still dont need help in changing the light bulb and still get to the airport at 3 am on your own...but yes, before you leave for the airport, you have to figure out how the house will function once you have left...you still change bulbs single-handedly (no big deal) and also wash clothes, cook food, keep a clean house, give medicines to the ill....and finish your office work!!
You must miss some of your friends who have decided to walk on, it must get lonely when all your friends from your earlier life, who are footloose and fancy free make their plans and you are unable to join in, but it also makes you more considerate and responsible for those around u....and through all this shines your intense affection towards those who are now joined with your lives...you can, but do not take unilateral decisions, since they affect more lives than just yours...
i admire your sensitivity and care towards all those who's lives now are joined with yours..i admire how you balance your varied and numerous identities and demands...may you continue to be as strong as you are discovering you can be...grow!
Sunday, May 01, 2011
hmm...
if for a long stretch of time, it feels like you've been getting up from the wrong side of the bed, maybe the truth is that you have been getting into the wrong bed!
Itni to humari yaari na thi ki milne chale aaye
Par taqdeer ki bhi majboori thi
Aakhir koi to bahana chahiye tha
Tumse milneka
An overwhelmed minds knows not a sensible sentence...
On-the-spot running does not get anyone anywhere....
The whole real estate industry survives on making people invest their todays in dreams, beliefs and imaginations, visualisations as far removed from real(i)ty as possible and as close to realty as possible..
I am dis-oriented...does that mean i am off all things oriental?
indelible
the eye
unfocusses
on presents
clouded by
images of the past
chimeras in the mind
arguments
counter-arguments
wins
losses
noises in the head
drowning out
weak
watery
shaky
assurances
alone
shattered pieces
lovingly put together
by me
colored canvases
forgotten
thrown
pens discarded
writings torn
scattered in the wind
pasts carried like shrouds
on solitary shoulders
bent under the weight
of solitariness
sepia toned stirrings
like a yellowed letter
words peeped out
and shook awake
those minutes
those hours
those days
just like that
just like that
off lists
off invitations
off inclusions
off shared thoughts
plans
actions
ideas
discussions
just like that
like drawings of a childish hand
on fast receding sand on the sea shore
i drew
and lost
and drew
and lost
just like that
i must grow up
the sea has beaten me today
i shall never draw on the sand again
and watch it being rubbed off
just like that
Greed
more..more..
i smile & rejoice..
yet more...more
gains do not replace losses
getting does not replete losing
gains do not fill the hands...that want more..more
a yawning void
more..more
each day, each thought
where? how?
i lose more...more
gone.empty.
scratching at empty spaces with cloying nails
more...more
bleeding gashes in empty spaces
looking to be filled
more..more
yet again
Monday, November 01, 2010
Sunday, February 08, 2009
cheesy?
Is naacheez ko itni mat kadar deejeeye ki aadat bigad jaaye...
Ab haalat to badalne se rahe...unki aadat pad jaaye to sehna aasan ho jaaye...
Ved hakeemon ko dawa mubarak.....hum to mehkhana banke hi khush hain...
Neend udake kehto ho sone jayo....sapnon main aayo to koyi matlab bane...
woh poocchte hain humse kis kiska khwaab dekhti ho...bekhabar yeh bhi nahi jaanta ki yaadein uski sone hi nahi deti...
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