In Search...

‘Though the journey seems hard
And the road unknown
My eyes see not the rubble
My mind heeds not the hurdle
For in my mind’s eyeI see the distant shores
Of tomorrow
I see the risings
Of the castle built with the sand
That slips through my hands
I must walk on
Before the sands run out
Of my tightened grasp
I have not anything
But the dream I see each day
And fear losing if I stay still anymore
I must be the road
That winds its way to hope
I must be the road’

silenced oneness

A blank white screen faces me...there is so much noise inside me, yet nothing seems to come out...there was a time when you spoke and words would come unthinking out of my head, into your being...now there is no talk, only noise...nothing that makes me find the thread to string together the incoherence and make it into a melody you once thought was beautiful...my voice is so rusty from having not been heard, that sometimes when i speak, i cant even recognise it as being mine...havent heard it so long, dont even know if i still speak the language of others...dont know if i miss speaking more or miss being heard more...silences speak while speech is silenced...but is that me that is silenced or is it because you are silent? atleast here, we seem to merge into one another...

Missing..

Sometimes, i miss you...mostly, i miss me..

Dear MMM

Dear Much Maligned Married,

Read a well written blog about smart, successful, single women...women who change bulbs on their own, take unilateral decisions about their careers and their carriers ;-) who relocate to new cities and manage settling down on their own...good read.very good read...specially for someone like me, who was single & successful (dont know about smart) till very very recently and is now not-single and successful (success is a subjective state of being...and i still dont know about smart!)...it made me think and feel this great urge to look at the status of those who are 'not-single'...

since the only status that seems to have changed for me is 'single' i shall restrict my comments to just that word...and i find myself wondering which state is tougher and could do with more encouraging 'slaps on the back'...

Packing ones bags and relocating to a new place, you does even as a 'not-single' woman & this time, not necessarily of a place unilaterally decided, and therefore not necessarily of your own choice...independence of managing your own life has been pushed and pulled into managing your own life and your owns' lives ;-) you still dont need help in changing the light bulb and still get to the airport at 3 am on your own...but yes, before you leave for the airport, you have to figure out how the house will function once you have left...you still change bulbs single-handedly (no big deal) and also wash clothes, cook food, keep a clean house, give medicines to the ill....and finish your office work!!

You must miss some of your friends who have decided to walk on, it must get lonely when all your friends from your earlier life, who are footloose and fancy free make their plans and you are unable to join in, but it also makes you more considerate and responsible for those around u....and through all this shines your intense affection towards those who are now joined with your lives...you can, but do not take unilateral decisions, since they affect more lives than just yours...

i admire your sensitivity and care towards all those who's lives now are joined with yours..i admire how you balance your varied and numerous identities and demands...may you continue to be as strong as you are discovering you can be...grow!

hmm...

if for a long stretch of time, it feels like you've been getting up from the wrong side of the bed, maybe the truth is that you have been getting into the wrong bed!

Itni to humari yaari na thi ki milne chale aaye

Par taqdeer ki bhi majboori thi

Aakhir koi to bahana chahiye tha

Tumse milneka

An overwhelmed minds knows not a sensible sentence...

On-the-spot running does not get anyone anywhere....

The whole real estate industry survives on making people invest their todays in dreams, beliefs and imaginations, visualisations as far removed from real(i)ty as possible and as close to realty as possible..

I am dis-oriented...does that mean i am off all things oriental?

indelible

the eye

unfocusses

on presents

clouded by

images of the past

chimeras in the mind

arguments

counter-arguments

wins

losses

noises in the head

drowning out

weak

watery

shaky

assurances

the number game

One I

sidled up

tried hard to snuggle

into

One YOU

but

one YOU

did not

want me TOO

alone

shattered pieces

lovingly put together

by me

colored canvases

forgotten

thrown

pens discarded

writings torn

scattered in the wind

pasts carried like shrouds

on solitary shoulders

bent under the weight

of solitariness

pre-fixed me

un-wrapped

un-raveled

un-burdened

me

re-softened

re-believing

re-discovered

me

sepia toned stirrings

like a yellowed letter

words peeped out

and shook awake

those minutes

those hours

those days

just like that

just like that

off lists

off invitations

off inclusions

off shared thoughts

plans

actions

ideas

discussions

just like that

like drawings of a childish hand

on fast receding sand on the sea shore

i drew

and lost

and drew

and lost

just like that

i must grow up

the sea has beaten me today

i shall never draw on the sand again

and watch it being rubbed off

just like that

Greed

more..more..

i smile & rejoice..

yet more...more

gains do not replace losses

getting does not replete losing

gains do not fill the hands...that want more..more

a yawning void

more..more

each day, each thought

where? how?

i lose more...more

gone.empty.

scratching at empty spaces with cloying nails

more...more

bleeding gashes in empty spaces

looking to be filled

more..more

yet again

Patience is the virtue of the lazy....

aha!!!

i know i am ditty here....and this is heredity ;-0

cheesy?

Is naacheez ko itni mat kadar deejeeye ki aadat bigad jaaye...

Ab haalat to badalne se rahe...unki aadat pad jaaye to sehna aasan ho jaaye...

Ved hakeemon ko dawa mubarak.....hum to mehkhana banke hi khush hain...

Neend udake kehto ho sone jayo....sapnon main aayo to koyi matlab bane...

woh poocchte hain humse kis kiska khwaab dekhti ho...bekhabar yeh bhi nahi jaanta ki yaadein uski sone hi nahi deti...

discovery....

Hope is the longest standing hard-on....

food for thot - cooked up by me and someone who inspires me to think

Chef 1: Aloo? How have you bean?

Chef 2: feeling lauky 

Chef 1: bhat tamaatar? 

Chef 2: i've bhin dis way since evening....

Chef 1: aaa(w)r (ba) bee! so saag!

Can I?

One who teaches, is a teacher
One who drives, is a driver...
If I pray, will i become a prayer??

to rise...in prayer...

The unreason of trudging uphill for hours on end, trying to immerse into an expression of faith made universal and mass, just to support and encourage its otherwise unsure individual existence, threatened by reason. Shouting loud, encouraging cries to buck up the flailing steps and the failing power in the lungs and the legs. To pay homage to a force that one does not get to do for more than one hurried inhalation of struggling breath. Reason and unreason. Jai Mata Di, cries that tie believers and unbelievers, strangers and intimaters, go downers and up climbers, all encouraging each other to believe for that one more step, take that one more laboured breath. In a country where folklores abound and multiply to keep pace with rising need for some justification for unanswered prayers to keep away seemingly inevtiable sorrows, there shall always be a dancing around between the unreason of faith vs the reason of effect of directly proportional relationship between height, weight, age, social standing...us and them...to reach up, so as to bow down....and not give faith even time enough to find itself and redefine...

To love with abandon. That is to say, to abandon oneself to love the other. so that all that remains, is the other, with the YOU becoming an amorphous thought, flowing in and out of the lover. No equal relationship on love and faith. Reach up high...higher...higher still, if someone is to be achieved....cos u r not worth reaching up for...in ur case, it shall always be a reaching down. it is a tick mark in one of the many boxes that govern one's life - birth, education, marriage, children, faith.....subjugation...yes sir! done! over and out! when the tick mark has been placed in the last box, you are ready for redemption, for celebration in the Club of the Broken Spirits Anonymous. No 12 steps here. Till you don't dissolve into a chirping, saluting, salivating, crawling, unrecognisable mass of whimpering brokenness, the doors of this halloed elevator to hell are shut to you. Fall, so you shall rise. Faith....Love...God....Lover....your hand creeps slowly towards the last box in my life...

Realisation

all of us who are deafened
by the silence in our lives
seem to
surround ourselves with noise
do you hear?
why? when our heads are not silent?