you shall not change me

Is that me?
unsure and timid?
cowering in the dark
at that slight sound
a shadow

Is that me?
Relieved that i do not travel alone?
In the city that i have grown up in?
Being told to be back home at eight?
feeling relieved when i get into my car
And shut out the world?

Is that me?
rolling up my window at night
haven't felt that wind on my face in so long
haven't tasted freedom
since you decided when i should step out
and when i should not
i was unbound
till you told me where my limits lay
i was wild and spirited
till you told me i needed to be punished

Is that me?
as defined by you...

but i promise, you shall not change me
i promise that i shall reclaim my being
my body
my world
my space
my city
my 'ME'

there shall be one day
when i shall roam as i used to
when i shall be as i used to be
when the world will again be my oyster
when my life will be the blessing i used to see it to be
and when a girl being born in this world
shall not curse her fate
for being born so

you shall not change me...

happy? new? year..yes!

So...i waited for one week...then the second week started...and it has ended...i waited for all this while to be able to decide whether i can truly wish my near and dear ones a happy new year...i waited to see if this year was going to start atleast any differently, considering the angry way in which last year had ended...After two weeks, things are just the same. Women are still unsafe. Apathy is still the most widely experienced mental state. The fervour dies out, like every fervour does. status quo is the most permanent state of being, people continue to be obnoxious and insensitive and people like me continue to refuse to settle down.

it is now, after two weeks, that i have finally realised what is that i truly want to wish everyone. I do not want to wish anyone a passive HAVE a happy new year. i think it is time we wish each other to MAKE a new year..happiness shall follow...

Let's make this a year when we dream of things not dreamt of, when we refuse to be passive recipients of things good and bad, instead become actors in what happens, when we struggle and fight and light fires that show new paths and test new strengths. Let's make this a year when we stop waiting for movements to happen that we can become a part of and become movements in ourselves. Let's make this a year when we stop clicking our tongues sitting before TVs and laptops, but take our words and connect more of us together and make MOVEMENT happen. Change might be a while in happening, but i am in no hurry. i have my whole lifetime. i dont want to be at the receiving end of the change. i want to be a part of the change. i want to make it happen.

Hence, on this 16th day of January, 2013, i am pledging to start a movement - iAWAKENING...i am be willing to be called a charlatan, a trouble maker. i am also admitting that i do not know what the movement will do. all i do know is that i am first reaching out to you. reach back to me. wherever u may be and then, let us become pall bearers of a time we wish to end and harbingers of a time we wish to begin. whatever we think we want to do, we have to pledge our lifetimes to it, so that atleast i can look myself in the mirror tomorrow as a mother worthy of her word, as a sister worthy of rubbing shoulders with other sisters and a woman who did truly believed she and others such as her deserved better and was willing to snatch it away from those who came in the way.

By this movement, by first endeavour shall be to connect all of us. Then I want to us to think of ways both online and offline by which we shall insist that we are heard...be it through organising groups that go and speak with schools about sex education and about social education that teaches boys and girls to respect each other, or organising a flash mob like the 1billionrising on the 14th of February, as being done in many parts of the world, or be it other more creative means. I know it for a fact that when all of us get together, ideas shall abound, energies and shall push and milestones concurred.

are you with me? would you wish yourself to MAKE A NEW YEAR?

In Search...

‘Though the journey seems hard
And the road unknown
My eyes see not the rubble
My mind heeds not the hurdle
For in my mind’s eyeI see the distant shores
Of tomorrow
I see the risings
Of the castle built with the sand
That slips through my hands
I must walk on
Before the sands run out
Of my tightened grasp
I have not anything
But the dream I see each day
And fear losing if I stay still anymore
I must be the road
That winds its way to hope
I must be the road’

silenced oneness

A blank white screen faces me...there is so much noise inside me, yet nothing seems to come out...there was a time when you spoke and words would come unthinking out of my head, into your being...now there is no talk, only noise...nothing that makes me find the thread to string together the incoherence and make it into a melody you once thought was beautiful...my voice is so rusty from having not been heard, that sometimes when i speak, i cant even recognise it as being mine...havent heard it so long, dont even know if i still speak the language of others...dont know if i miss speaking more or miss being heard more...silences speak while speech is silenced...but is that me that is silenced or is it because you are silent? atleast here, we seem to merge into one another...

Missing..

Sometimes, i miss you...mostly, i miss me..

Dear MMM

Dear Much Maligned Married,

Read a well written blog about smart, successful, single women...women who change bulbs on their own, take unilateral decisions about their careers and their carriers ;-) who relocate to new cities and manage settling down on their own...good read.very good read...specially for someone like me, who was single & successful (dont know about smart) till very very recently and is now not-single and successful (success is a subjective state of being...and i still dont know about smart!)...it made me think and feel this great urge to look at the status of those who are 'not-single'...

since the only status that seems to have changed for me is 'single' i shall restrict my comments to just that word...and i find myself wondering which state is tougher and could do with more encouraging 'slaps on the back'...

Packing ones bags and relocating to a new place, you does even as a 'not-single' woman & this time, not necessarily of a place unilaterally decided, and therefore not necessarily of your own choice...independence of managing your own life has been pushed and pulled into managing your own life and your owns' lives ;-) you still dont need help in changing the light bulb and still get to the airport at 3 am on your own...but yes, before you leave for the airport, you have to figure out how the house will function once you have left...you still change bulbs single-handedly (no big deal) and also wash clothes, cook food, keep a clean house, give medicines to the ill....and finish your office work!!

You must miss some of your friends who have decided to walk on, it must get lonely when all your friends from your earlier life, who are footloose and fancy free make their plans and you are unable to join in, but it also makes you more considerate and responsible for those around u....and through all this shines your intense affection towards those who are now joined with your lives...you can, but do not take unilateral decisions, since they affect more lives than just yours...

i admire your sensitivity and care towards all those who's lives now are joined with yours..i admire how you balance your varied and numerous identities and demands...may you continue to be as strong as you are discovering you can be...grow!

hmm...

if for a long stretch of time, it feels like you've been getting up from the wrong side of the bed, maybe the truth is that you have been getting into the wrong bed!

Itni to humari yaari na thi ki milne chale aaye

Par taqdeer ki bhi majboori thi

Aakhir koi to bahana chahiye tha

Tumse milneka

An overwhelmed minds knows not a sensible sentence...

On-the-spot running does not get anyone anywhere....

The whole real estate industry survives on making people invest their todays in dreams, beliefs and imaginations, visualisations as far removed from real(i)ty as possible and as close to realty as possible..

I am dis-oriented...does that mean i am off all things oriental?

indelible

the eye

unfocusses

on presents

clouded by

images of the past

chimeras in the mind

arguments

counter-arguments

wins

losses

noises in the head

drowning out

weak

watery

shaky

assurances

the number game

One I

sidled up

tried hard to snuggle

into

One YOU

but

one YOU

did not

want me TOO

alone

shattered pieces

lovingly put together

by me

colored canvases

forgotten

thrown

pens discarded

writings torn

scattered in the wind

pasts carried like shrouds

on solitary shoulders

bent under the weight

of solitariness

pre-fixed me

un-wrapped

un-raveled

un-burdened

me

re-softened

re-believing

re-discovered

me

sepia toned stirrings

like a yellowed letter

words peeped out

and shook awake

those minutes

those hours

those days

just like that

just like that

off lists

off invitations

off inclusions

off shared thoughts

plans

actions

ideas

discussions

just like that

like drawings of a childish hand

on fast receding sand on the sea shore

i drew

and lost

and drew

and lost

just like that

i must grow up

the sea has beaten me today

i shall never draw on the sand again

and watch it being rubbed off

just like that

Greed

more..more..

i smile & rejoice..

yet more...more

gains do not replace losses

getting does not replete losing

gains do not fill the hands...that want more..more

a yawning void

more..more

each day, each thought

where? how?

i lose more...more

gone.empty.

scratching at empty spaces with cloying nails

more...more

bleeding gashes in empty spaces

looking to be filled

more..more

yet again

Patience is the virtue of the lazy....

aha!!!

i know i am ditty here....and this is heredity ;-0

cheesy?

Is naacheez ko itni mat kadar deejeeye ki aadat bigad jaaye...

Ab haalat to badalne se rahe...unki aadat pad jaaye to sehna aasan ho jaaye...

Ved hakeemon ko dawa mubarak.....hum to mehkhana banke hi khush hain...

Neend udake kehto ho sone jayo....sapnon main aayo to koyi matlab bane...

woh poocchte hain humse kis kiska khwaab dekhti ho...bekhabar yeh bhi nahi jaanta ki yaadein uski sone hi nahi deti...

discovery....

Hope is the longest standing hard-on....

food for thot - cooked up by me and someone who inspires me to think

Chef 1: Aloo? How have you bean?

Chef 2: feeling lauky 

Chef 1: bhat tamaatar? 

Chef 2: i've bhin dis way since evening....

Chef 1: aaa(w)r (ba) bee! so saag!

Can I?

One who teaches, is a teacher
One who drives, is a driver...
If I pray, will i become a prayer??